I am learning each day to accept me for who I am . Not the mold I am supposed to be but the real, actual me. Sometimes I have anxiety. Sometimes I have anger. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry. I post memes because they make me laugh. I write. I create art. My kind of art. Not what is popular or in the “love” type of the year. I am outspoken but loyal and goodhearted. A bit too sensitive at times and easily get my feelings hurt but then I can be tough. I am strange to some people, I do not easily make friends for reasons I do not understand but I accept it. Because, I am. Me.
I am so confused. I am a good person, I think. I just do not understand why so many people have turned away and just ignore me. I am always trying to help, come when needed, and I used to do anything and still do that I could to help. I baked all of the family Birthday cakes and on and on.
However, when I got this panic disorder a few years ago is when it started. I reached out to family and friends to see if anyone could come by or text or pray or just come sit for a couple of hours. I had one friend who came, a sister who came when my husband called and I do have some family I connect with but I was cursed, told I was trying to take advantage of them and that being kind and helping them did NOT mean I was supposed to expect ANYTHING in return.
Needless to say, that hurt. But if I am such a good person and people will not answer my fb post or textes or etc. I can only figure maybe it is because I am outspoken? I am a person who believes it is better to be honest than to be two- faced or like many people now, just be fake, smile, say everything is fine when deep down, they are suffering.
Then the people who want to be friends or close family but only if you agree with everything and never say a word about your issues or if you do, you have to be in awe with their solution and do it or they shun me. If one sister in particular is upset with me, anyone around her ends up not speaking to me. I was also bitter for a while when my daughter died but this year marked 11 years and for anyone who has lost a child, it still hurts. Of COURSE you go on but it hurts. I had five family members contact me to say they were thinking of me and I have a HUGE family.
We were always a close family until my daughter died and then the family got more critical of me each year. I am no saint by any means and I am sure my being outspoken does NOT help but is it me or them? Am I that bad?
Let me start by saying this has Christian content and the basis is how it can be bad to be the “perfect” Christian and how I feel MYSELF about the damage that can do because I do believe that is not what being a Christian is about. It is about being real. That being said, I have to say, as in my title, I may fail but I am real and I have no problem admitting my own failures.
I look and see so many “perfect” Christians and I almost feel sick. They are perfect to everyone on the outside in every way. They do all the church outings, help, know the Bible like the back of their hands but if you watch, they will rarely admit they are wrong about anything Biblically related. If you offend them, they will walk away instead of trying to understand why their Christian brother or sister is bothered. That is not what the Bible says to do.
I screw up all of the time. I get angry. I get upset. I am a Christian and I am NOT in a dark place as I have been told before. I am REAL. I am human. I am not perfect. So, I do not fit the mold to these other Christians who think they are so in line with everything Biblical. Do they reach out to those in need outside of their church? Do they help someone who might need a place to stay for a while although it might “intrude” on their family style?
Do they only go around the people who, like them, smile and act as though nothing is ever wrong in their life? Do they want to be there when someone cries out, “Help me?” Actions. That is what we are called to do. Live in action. We can be human and believe. We can be real and still believe. When was the last time I walked into a church and after going a while, I was able to say, “Hey, I am like so off the charts of the “normal” Christian but I sure would love to have fellowship with some who might fail daily like me even though we get back and try again?” Never.
But here is where I do right. I accept the broken because I am broken, I accept the lost because at times I am lost too sometimes. I can be around those who have problems and identify because I have problems too. I am a Christian but my life is real.
I wonder why I see a lot of things on facebook that are memes saying, Do NOT air your personal issues on facebook? Deal with them privately and I have to laugh. Why it is taboo to put what you want or feel if it isn’t always nice ? I do not mean mentioning names but um, let me see.
We post or read post that tell where you are going, where you eating, who you are dating, when you are drunk, what your baby does 400 times a day, who your friends are and what you are doing every five minutes. There are post about your marriage, your kids, hospital visits, doctor visit, what your OBGYN said, in detail, gag.
There are post about who love, and basically every aspect of our lives but if someone post, God forbid, “My feelings were really hurt today or you are sad because someone will publicly show their love about anyone but you so you say you are sad or put, (God FORBID) you are having a tough day and the list goes on and people go into a frenzy. NOT the place for facebook? Really, seriously? It is social media and I know more about you there than I do as a person.
I know just about every single aspect of your life but do NOT, and I repeat do NOT put actual human emotions or thoughts on there. You will virtually hung and tied to a facebook rafter. So, I just think it is amusing that you see all these DO NOT post personal things on facebook. Well, I don’t think you get more personal than knowing everything about you including pics of when you are drunk, high, (yeah I have seen those) your personal EVERYTHING but we cannot post about a bad day. hahahahahahaha. I guess in a world of do not offend it has gone socially viral. lol
Sometimes sleep eludes me and I cannot find my ability to just go to sleep.
I might be sad or mad or just in a moment where my mind is still racing with thoughts because I think. A LOT. I think about life and people and love and loss.
I think about why or who or where or what might or might not be. Sometimes I just cannot sleep because I am excited or God only knows why it might be but tonight I talked to an owl. Crazy, yes? Probably but it was out there as it is every night making its hoot so I tried to mimic it just to see what would happen. It answered back.
It understood my voice but I have no clue what it was saying. I think sometimes life is like me and the owl. We hear but we cannot understand what others are saying. We mimic the lives of others and yet we do not even understand why they live like they do.
Tonight I talked to an owl and the owl talked to me but I will never understand what he was trying to say. Maybe we should learn from the owl. My thought for the day. lol
In the world today, everyone, at some point, feels hurt pain,love and loss. My heart goes out to all of you because I have been there and still go through it. I do not know why sometimes it has to be so hard or hurt so much. I didn’t understand it when I lost my oldest daughter or my newborn son.
But there is love as well. It heals you and it feeds you and it nourishes the soul. It keeps us sane and it keeps us grounded. Our world is becoming more distant from actual human contact with cell phones and computers and etc. But a cell phone cannot hug you unless you make it. It does not have a soul. A computer cannot replace a face to face encounter even with face time and things like that because you cannot hug on face time.
The thing I always try to remember is that we all have to be there for one another. In a world that has replaced electronic devices with the effort of human contact and communication, we have to reach out ourselves. We have to be the bridge that connects one soul to another. Another of my many pointless to some points but I write them from the heart. Have a great day! 🙂
Love is a word so easily used but real love is rarely applied in some cases. WHAT then is REAL love? Real love is showing you care in some form or fashion. Whether it is a phone call to someone if you cannot get there when they are sick, or down, or just need human interaction.
Real love is not assaulting them when they reach out for help by telling them they are selfish because you are busy and doing the best that you can. It is not giving them the 500 excuses of why you couldn’t come, forgot to call, meant to write, tried to get there and just couldn’t find 10 seconds in this world of cyber everything to put an I love you or I am praying for you or thinking of you.
It is a flower picked from the road for someone you know is sad but you didn’t have the money to buy a bouquet. It is holding their hand when they cannot get through something alone. It is a call, a note, a text it is anything that shows that you want to be there for them.
If you can take time to stop at a store, answer a phone call, send a text, go to “meetings” or spend hours at conferences, go fishing, hunting, shopping, go out to eat or basically breathe, then you can show someone who may need you “real” Love. The excuses you give as to why you can’t are just that. Excuses. Remember that next time you KNOW someone needs you or is suffering. That one small thing is something they will never forget.