They take your heart, your life and suck your very soul.
They turn your heart into a one way street where you search for only them.
They take away your family, friends and sometimes…
They steal your joy, your mind and your happiness
replacing it with fog and hurt and pain.
They haunt you, they hurt you, they deceive you and
you don’t even know it.
They are your worst enemy
but you love them more than anything else.
The Demons Within.
I just take a breath and say a prayer of thanks for surviving the knocks coming my way, for the ability to fight and keep trying. I look at the beautiful sky, the birds sweetly chirping and the sound of beautiful music. I think of all I can do and that I have an escape when fear tries to over take me. And I battle the people or things that try to destroy me. Sometimes, yeah, I cry because I know in some cases, I cannot save them or stop them from doing what they do to me. I am blessed that I can do it. That I can keep standing and trying. I know in life we have battles. But today, at least one day, each at a time I can take a breath. And I smile.
Living with or having a family member who is addicted is really hard. If you have someone you love dating an addict, that is hard as well. It is a hard and long road. It is such a drain in so many ways because you love them but you cannot stop them. You might find yourself enabling them because you are desperate. or you might be trying to get your loved one away from an addict before they turn out just the same. It is too draining when you watch, worry or living with someone and search everywhere to see if there was a stash.
This is just the beginning of a nightmare that never ends until the loved one is dead or finally quits through the grace of God. It takes the lives of the ones loving the addict because the addict can only think of their drugs but the friends and most of all family worry, cry, panic, drive themselves insane and just spend their lives filled with anxiety and there are many who cannot afford the expensive rehabs. It is a sad story for the addict and the ones who love them.
Vapes that are addicting teens now, drugs, alcohol, even cigarettes which I am trying really hard to quit. I used to be a “recreational” smoker, quitting during peak times when I was active repelling, hiking, climbing and etc. The slowly, cigarettes crept in and now I am trying to quit. I do not smoke in my car, or in my house or when I have coffee and I never have but I just do not like them anymore so I am trying. I have people I know that I am sadly watching.
They battle alcohol as it destroys their lives, drugs which change them and take over their life and become their God. Teens I see vaping young kids, 13, 14, 15 but I cannot stop them because they are not people I even know or the ones that are well, I have told their parents. It is just sad how addiction to anything can take your life and destroy it. Physically or emotionally or all.
I hate addiction and the ruin it brings.
with the epidemic of this problem I wanted to write something as I have had a couple of family who had to overcome that battle.
Dear Loved one,
I try to help you in your struggle but I know that your first love right now is your drug.
So much that you never noticed when I put a flower in the vase on your desk.
you forgot your son’s game was today because you may have been out “searching”.
You were not hungry even though I made your favorite meal.
You were too “sick” to go to our family Holiday get together so the kids and I went, with another excuse for why you weren’t there.
We watch you and the kids know. They are not stupid. You still work but come home late. You avoid us or you become so nice out of guilt that it isn’t real when you do nice things. You seem normal at times and then at other times you are so far out there, that I guess you think I don’t see the glassy eyes or the runny nose.
We deal with all of it because we love you and we have tried everything to help so now we have to help ourselves until you decide to get the help to stop. But the worst part is the loneliness. The living with someone you love that you used to know , the same person on the outside and at times, the good ones, the “old” you. But seeing the “other” you is what hurts so bad. So close and yet so far.
We love you and we wish you would come “home”. you live here but we wish your mind , drug free could come back with you.
Let me start by saying this has Christian content and the basis is how it can be bad to be the “perfect” Christian and how I feel MYSELF about the damage that can do because I do believe that is not what being a Christian is about. It is about being real. That being said, I have to say, as in my title, I may fail but I am real and I have no problem admitting my own failures.
I look and see so many “perfect” Christians and I almost feel sick. They are perfect to everyone on the outside in every way. They do all the church outings, help, know the Bible like the back of their hands but if you watch, they will rarely admit they are wrong about anything Biblically related. If you offend them, they will walk away instead of trying to understand why their Christian brother or sister is bothered. That is not what the Bible says to do.
I screw up all of the time. I get angry. I get upset. I am a Christian and I am NOT in a dark place as I have been told before. I am REAL. I am human. I am not perfect. So, I do not fit the mold to these other Christians who think they are so in line with everything Biblical. Do they reach out to those in need outside of their church? Do they help someone who might need a place to stay for a while although it might “intrude” on their family style?
Do they only go around the people who, like them, smile and act as though nothing is ever wrong in their life? Do they want to be there when someone cries out, “Help me?” Actions. That is what we are called to do. Live in action. We can be human and believe. We can be real and still believe. When was the last time I walked into a church and after going a while, I was able to say, “Hey, I am like so off the charts of the “normal” Christian but I sure would love to have fellowship with some who might fail daily like me even though we get back and try again?” Never.
But here is where I do right. I accept the broken because I am broken, I accept the lost because at times I am lost too sometimes. I can be around those who have problems and identify because I have problems too. I am a Christian but my life is real.
I wish you could understand my world. But you cannot unless you live it. It is not a place you choose to be and they say many things can cause it but I can say that your love and trying to at least understand would mean more than all of the money in the world.
But you choose to see me as a weird person who is crazy or needs mental help because I go through this. Do not be so quick to judge. My panic only started three years ago. You could not understand it so you walked away from it. You chose to run from it like it might be contagious. It isn’t.
So, I have learned to deal with it on my own and some prayer. I have learned to accept that people will talk about me or judge me but I am the same as you. I just have an issue. Live my life and then maybe you can say i have no reason for panic. But I can promise if you ever have panic or anxiety, you will never think again like you do now.
But, I have a couple of people who are trying now to help and understand it. They are there even if they do not know what to do. They have held my hand and sat while I cried. But I am coming through the storm each day and learning that I am STILL the strong person I used to be just a little different in how I view people and life.
I walked alone for a while but there were foot prints in the sand I didn’t see.