I have to start by explaining my husband thinks all people are good and do mean to be bad. I am of a very kind heart but I know that bad people exist. Life. My story is about Nitro, our Long haired Shepherd. First, I HATE puppy mills. My two dogs are rescues and that is just my personal choice. If someone wants a pet from a reputable breeder I am okay with that just not puppy mills. Anyway, here is Nitro’s story.
For years my husband had wanted a long haired German Shepherd. I was not ready yet because I had researched just how much care it requires until the time came that we could give him the needed time. he wanted a Male. not to breed just to have. Soooo, we looked and looked. He had saved over time and he found one in Virginia, I found one in North Ga. 2 hours away. His was 12 hours one way. The page looked great, the way she advertised her pups and on and on.
Anyway, he had his 1,600.00 dollars and off he goes. 2 hours before he got there, she called and said she had just noticed at 12 weeks that one of his testicles had not dropped but she was sure it would. (No, it is hereditary passed from father to son). He called and I begged him to turn back but he said he was sure she knew because her page was so promising. Twenty minutes before she was supposed to give him directions, she called and said to meet her at a local store since she was in town with the puppy. Again, I begged him to come back. But he went and picked up his puppy that he named Nitro.
He brought the beautiful puppy home and we took him to the Vet the next day for a check up. We were informed the testicle would NOT drop and would require an operation. At six months, they had to cut his stomach open as the testicle was lodged in his intestines. More money. Nitro seemed well once he recovered until we noticed him limping a bit at two years old. Aside from the monthly Vet visits, we made an appointment. Test were run and the Vet came back with the news that Nitro had Arthritis in both front legs. the operation would be an estimated 16,000.00. Even worse it would have to be every two years because it would come back. Operation or put him to sleep.
I came home and just cried. I knew we didn’t have 16,000.00 much less every two years so I found what I could to help him. Krill oil, Chondroitin and other things to help. They did. For a year. Nitro is now 6 years old and lives like he is 18 dog years. One leg is stiff. I am so heartbroken when I see him everyday and try to find new meds to help. I am glad we saved him from that horrid place (she was shut down after I reported her like 15 times). But on the other hand, it is horrible to watch him live his life like this. I am still doing all that I can to help but PLEASE do NOT ignore the red flags. Last minute findings of issues, not wanting you to come to their home and so many more. Help shut down puppy mills. Buy from someone you can meet and see their home.
I started my journey a couple of months ago by letting go of really toxic people whom, every time I was around them they were mentally abusive or just spewed anger and hate or they would just constantly berate me and then say they were kidding. Being an Empath was hard because I absorbed it. It landed me in the Hospital and I decided it was time to let go no matter who they were or how much I loved them. I had no choice. It has proven to be the hardest but best thing I could do. My stress and anxiety decreased. I could recharge myself and I have been happier. I recently had an encounter with one of them and it was eye opening! I felt immediately stressed, they started to try and use their ways of pain again but I bailed out and after a few shaky hours found peace again. Lesson learned. Sometimes you DO have to LET THEM GO. Hugs!
The ability to read people can be hard. In the last few months, someone who has tried to destroy my reputation, my life and my ability to even write or do art because they are like a non stop plague has really affected me. Now, even with the ones they are “allowing” to speak to me because they think they succeeded in destroying me have fake faces and black hearts. They can smile all day and fill it with I love you’s. I believed it before because I loved so deeply but now I can see it for what it is. Fake. However, I did a lot of prayer, breathing and meditation this morning and I am not going to let them win. I am going to soldier on as they say and write, work on art, do my photography even if it means standing it alone. Better that than to be caught up again in a pit of snakes. It is hard because I am a kind person but so many times it is those with good hearts who get trampled on. All I can say is if you find yourself in my position, get the steel plated armor on and fight back by being as strong as you can. Let go of the toxin and let love for yourself take over. I hate when I rant like this but I hope to maybe help someone else who is facing what I have and encourage them. SOLDIER ON. Do NOT give up. 🙂
I feel as though I am trapped in a Fortress
Entangled by your rage, unable to escape.
The walls that surround me are your hatred
And the thorns at the top are each time
your bitter words have pierced my heart.
No flowers can ever grow here
Only weeds of destruction that are trying to choke
the last of what strength I have held on to survive.
Inside of me, where happiness tries to hang on
Your vines of anger wrap themselves and squeeze it out.
I hope to break free of this prison and learn how to smile again.
I want to wake each day without your dark shadow.
hanging over me to and to laugh without feeling the punishment
of your revenge.
I know, if I can walk away, one day I will be whole again.
Then I will discover that while you are still a choking weed
I will have become a beautiful blossoming rose.
We wish you knew how hard it is from our side. Watching as drugs and the abuse you go through with him because you must think you don’t deserve better. You do. But we have told you that so many times. Your life was so good but some things happened that made your mind think you were not worthy. You had it all but then the spiral began. slowly at first but then it just kept spiraling and here we are.
You want us to rescue you when your mind is clear but then you don’t want help at the same time. You are in the only comfortable you know. To you it is something stable and that confuses us. you are not alone. you have family and friends who love you. we don’t understand and we try to. we really do. Some very brief times you tell us a little bit but then you go back. I hate drugs and I hate abuse but we love you. we wish we could be your rescue but we can only watch the fall. That is the hardest part of this stupid ride.
He came with his handsome exterior and his charming ways
Hiding his demons and his needles and his little book of tricks.
Then he gave you his wares, bit by bit until he had you hooked.
Then you slowly changed. Your smile changed & your eyes lost their light.
You became angry and defensive and then at times you were laughing as
he laughed and smiled and told you it was fine. He brought you the needles and
drugs and drink to pull you in.
he disguised them all as a beautiful bouquet of love.
But what you could not see even though we warned you and begged you
was the horrible truth until it was too late.
You could never see the Demon behind the mask.
Did you think I don’t see the pain behind the smile?
Did you ever think you have us fooled from the bruises you hide?
Or that we wouldn’t see how the emotional abuse was taking
that spark from your eyes?
How long will you suffer from the hands of abuse?
How long will you ignore our pleas to rescue you?
You are so beautiful. Inside as well as out.
You deserve so much more than what you believe you deserve.
It is not love. It is control.
It is not what I wanted for you.
I wanted to see the shine in your eyes keep glowing
not smothered by the abuse of someone’s hatred.
So, I hope you will find your way back.
I hope you can someday see what I have always known. You are beautiful. But the abuse you live is so ugly.
One day. I hold onto to that. One day.
You will see. I love you.
I just take a breath and say a prayer of thanks for surviving the knocks coming my way, for the ability to fight and keep trying. I look at the beautiful sky, the birds sweetly chirping and the sound of beautiful music. I think of all I can do and that I have an escape when fear tries to over take me. And I battle the people or things that try to destroy me. Sometimes, yeah, I cry because I know in some cases, I cannot save them or stop them from doing what they do to me. I am blessed that I can do it. That I can keep standing and trying. I know in life we have battles. But today, at least one day, each at a time I can take a breath. And I smile.
I feel as though I am trapped in a fortress
Trapped by your rage, unable to escape.
The walls that surround me are your hatred
And the thorns at the top are each time your bitter words
Have pierced my heart.
No flowers grow here, only weeds of destruction
Waiting to choke the last of my strength.
Inside of me, where happiness strives to live
Your vines of anger entangle my heart
Trying to destroy any joy or contentment.
I hope to break free of this prison
And smile once again.
I want to wake each day without your dark shadow hanging over me
And to laugh without feeling the punishment of your revenge.
I know one day I will become whole again.
When I do, I will become a blossoming, beautiful rose
And you will be a choking weed, dying until you find more sunlight to destroy.
with the epidemic of this problem I wanted to write something as I have had a couple of family who had to overcome that battle.
Dear Loved one,
I try to help you in your struggle but I know that your first love right now is your drug.
So much that you never noticed when I put a flower in the vase on your desk.
you forgot your son’s game was today because you may have been out “searching”.
You were not hungry even though I made your favorite meal.
You were too “sick” to go to our family Holiday get together so the kids and I went, with another excuse for why you weren’t there.
We watch you and the kids know. They are not stupid. You still work but come home late. You avoid us or you become so nice out of guilt that it isn’t real when you do nice things. You seem normal at times and then at other times you are so far out there, that I guess you think I don’t see the glassy eyes or the runny nose.
We deal with all of it because we love you and we have tried everything to help so now we have to help ourselves until you decide to get the help to stop. But the worst part is the loneliness. The living with someone you love that you used to know , the same person on the outside and at times, the good ones, the “old” you. But seeing the “other” you is what hurts so bad. So close and yet so far.
We love you and we wish you would come “home”. you live here but we wish your mind , drug free could come back with you.