I went outside to just take a breather and I saw butterflies dancing around my flowers. I had to smile at their beauty and how they just seem happy to me. Just fluttering around and ignoring everything around them. The sound of men building a home across the street. The little dog Lucifer who is barking his fierce words or maybe joy at the World around him. Cats trying to catch them but they fly out of reach. Regardless, they just seem to be creatures that let nothing sway them from their mission. I think I should learn from these awe inspiring creatures.
When I lost my children, one at two days, my son Ryan, and my daughter, Nikki in a wreck with three of her friends, I did not realize how much grief can change on a daily basis. It takes a while to get over the shock that numbs you from going insane but it does not stop the pain or tears. I never realized the ups and down and like a flowing river, you have calm places, turbulent areas and dangerous pulls. Grief has been like that to me. I have times I am calm and smile at the memories. Days when I fall apart and just cry. I also have days when anger overcomes it all and I find myself fighting the pain. As time goes on I find more days of calm water but the under current is always there. Waiting.