This is a hard time of the year. I love the season and the Holidays and all of the joy of celebration. But I hate to love it because so did she. The daughter I lost. But I am happy with all that I have. I am not miserable. I lost so many friends, well, all of them when she died. They didn’t and couldn’t understand and I couldn’t explain. I hate the feeling that comes this time of year. I want to enjoy it but I feel so guilty because, although I think of her everyday, this time of year that she loved and died in was her favorite. From Halloween to Valentines day. she celebrated life. I just think of her death. I hate that. I hate feeling like I am ungrateful because I am blessed but plagued now with so many issues. Anxiety, panic etc. I went from a really strong person to someone who feels like I cannot control my own mind. This is just who I am now but sometimes I just wish I had one friend who could “get” me and tell what I do to stop feeling this way. In memory of Nikki. Feb. 17th. Car wreck.