It was just something about this photo of coffee I took that reminded me of tranquility. Of Peace. I just look at it and seems like the smooth mellowness of the times when I feel calm.
Somewhere, someone loves you.
No matter who or what
or where or when
or what kind.
You are loved.
When she died…. Perhaps I did go a little crazy when she died. Maybe losing the child you gave birth to and watched grow up and cared for with her disability and never realized she would be gone without warning at 23 made me different. You do not understand and I hope you never do understand. That means you lost your child too and I wouldn’t want to wish that on anyone. It is a loss you learn to live with but never get over.You learn to laugh again and God brings other love into your life but it does not take away the pain at times. I became better in some ways but in others I changed. I needed more from those I loved, I was scared and I was devastated. I developed panic issues. I went through the five stages. I went through Hell and came back a little burned. i turned back to God and I have tried to make her proud. I have loved my only other child and adore my family. But, yes I changed. When you lose a child you always do. I hope you never have to look at me and say, ” I understand”.
A recent blog I posted reminded of how hard it is to lose a child or children and feel like no one understands you. So, I want to go back on a couple of mine to say that it is the most painful loss you will ever feel. No one wants anyone to go through it but unless you have, you will never fully understand why we change, why we do what we do and so this is for those bloggers. The club we never asked to join and the feeling of being alone in a room full of people.
I found this odd creature in my yard. Then I let it go.
Some days I just find myself in a whirlwind of emotions. I am fighting the every ready Anxiety that tried to bring me down. I feel that fear that comes with asking myself if I am okay or is it just anxiety? I grip onto my mind and tell it to stop. Just stop. Then I pray. I do my Yoga. I put Lavender oil I make behind my ears and on my wrist. Then I start to get calmer and finally I can breathe okay instead of running to my room to get away from everything. I know why I have the anxiety and fear and I know I can beat it but for now I am happy each time I just manage to win the war and not let the fear and anxiety overtake me.