One Simple Act of Forgiveness

I have held on to this hate I didn’t even realize was there for almost 12 years. I said I would never forgive you when our daughter died for all the times you were not there for her. I hated you. I hated the fact that she still loved you and saw you when she could but I never said anything because I didn’t want her to think she had to make a choice.
I hated you for having to force you to help me when she needed things because you didn’t pay child support but then you would push her aside if your wife’s daughter got jealous or whatever the case was that month or year. I hated when you remarried and allowed your wife to call her things. Yes, she was grown by then, so young and the autism she fought and mostly won and how kind she was and loving but you never seemed to care.
I especially hated you when I had to force you to help pay for her service when she was killed and then you only asked about the watch you gave her for Christmas two months before back because it had cost you probably more money than you had ever given her or helped with. So many things that I just could not get past and I told you, “Never speak to me again”. But it hurt me more than you. I heard you regretted it all later but it was too late. But then, something strange happened a few days ago.
I looked at her picture and she was about forgiveness. Forgiving you, me of my mistakes, bullies who I tried to defend her against but she was like, “I got this mom. It’s all good”. She never quit being kind until they became her friends. Forgive. That was her REAL name and I realized to live and be whole I HAD to forgive you. I prayed, I pondered, I cried but finally I sent you the message. I did it and she was right. It is like a stone has been lifted off on me. I let go of the hate, the bitterness and all of it. I feel so different. Just from a simple act of forgiveness.
THAT is the lesson I learned from our daughter. That is who she was. That is how she lived her life.
Now I know why she did.

Advertisements