We, so many of us, search for the impossible dream.
Only to find it was there all along.
It wasn’t money, it wasn’t fame, it wasn’t popularity or being the best.
It is a smile from someone who cares
The soft flow of a brezze
The kiss and hug from a child
The sound of ocean waves as they roll onto the beach
Birds singing a song
A beautiful world filled with flowers and mountains and so much The joy of being loved.
It is there. We just have to look and the search stops.
Two things that can bring you to your knees.
The Power of God.
The death of your child.
The path of life is filled with many roads.
The one you choose,
Will determine how green your grass is.
Family isn’t always a biological thing.
It is who has your back
As opposed to who is tabbing you in it.
Time does not heal all wounds.
It only heals the ability to deal with it.
The Book of Understanding. Kindle. L.S. Rockel
You cannot help what you do not understand.
The fear, the darkness that threatens to overtake me
The way my own mind scares me at times
And makes me think things that are not even there.
The way I think
the way I love
the way I cry
why I cry
The desire to be loved, when I am
But cannot see it
To be accepted, needed, even though I am but my panic and anxiety sometimes have me live in a world where it is my reality, even if it isn’t true.
The fear of not being in control of my life
The torture of trying to understand
Fake people and real people
All of these are the demons of my mind. To help me, you have to understand them.
From ‘The Book of Understanding. Kindle L.S. Rockel
I love little one that you share my love of Fairies. I have always loved them. We build a fairie garden every year and put their houses up and flowers and all kids of things. I love to make them and pretend they are there. Why? because it is just the beauty of those tiny little creatures flying around. Somewhere.
“But, nonna, we never see them so are they real?”
“I don’t know. We believe in air because it helps us to live but we never see it. And you know what? Even if fairies are not real, they are real in our minds”.
I know the child in me believes they and the adult in me say’s don’t be stupid. There is no such thing. But as long as we want to dream of them and believe in them, we can, my little. Just us. You and I.
I have realized I have two mes. Not a split personality but one part of me that is the old me, still strong and bold. The other me that started when the panic and anxiety came and I seem to cause everything to bother me or I get anxious or panicked. Same person but conflicting emotions.
There are times when I am fine and I handle things like I used to. That person had deep faith, a strong personality, to strong sometimes and then there is the panic me that worries about everything, prays to get that strength back in whole , cries, panics, worries and that part of me I do not like.
Because it shouldn’t be happening but it is. Maybe some of it is past issues and maybe some of it is things I repressed for so long coming out but whichever, not something I like.
I sometimes wonder if I can use the old me to goad the me now into going back and fixing whatever started this. But I think I have to just stop over thinking. I have to stop making disasters out of things that have not and probably will NOT happen. BUT, if they do, then I just have to deal with it.
What about my fellow brothers and sisters who go through this? Do yuo have a thought, opinion or advice?
I know you left us so many years ago and we never got to say goodbye. I never got to see you again after that day because the wreck was so bad and the car blew up. But I want you to know that I think of you everyday. I will never forget your laughter or that beautiful smile.
I will never forget how hard you fought to make bullies your friend but you were a bit different. A little bit of Autism can do that. I know how you got through each day and it was hard when you were young but as you got older you decided to fight back with kindness. That must have been so hard when it was years before you could relate to others like other kids did.
But you got better and you got stronger and you laughed and you made our family laugh and you didn’t care what anybody thought about you because you accepted yourself for you. That made me so proud. I miss all of that and our talks on the porch and the way you had of making things better.
But just so you know, I STILL think of you everyday. I will love you. Always. Love, mom. Sara Nicolle “Nikki”. 1984-2007.
Strange yes. But it is how a mind with anxiety can work. Today is a new day and yesterday is still stuck in the head. So while most have moved on, those with anxiety or panic are enjoying parts of today but still rehashing everything from yesterday or even three weeks ago.
It is a world of illusion, confusion and and even joy. So, while we battle this strange disorder we know there is hope. We are NOT mentally unstable, we are NOT crazy and we do NOT go out and harm people. lol. For some reason, I have read there are people who think that. No, we are normal but we just have panic and or anxiety or both. we think and re-think everything.
So, those times that we seem anxious, it is just trying to remind ourselves that we are fine and we cannot please everyone. we cannot worry over every little thing. we cannot change people who do not want to be in our lives. But we can refocus, we can learn to take our minds off over thinking and we can learn it is okay to be us. Because most people with anxiety or panic are over achievers, smart and we just have to settle our brains down.
I am sometimes so confused by people and life in general so i am learning to just smile and go on. We can be a light for others by our actions and for those who choose different paths or different ways to treat you just smile. And go on. Know that you are good, kind and a wonderful person and do not let negative people who put you down or ignore you or try and find reasons not to like you to go along their way,. It is not worth the effort to wrack our brains on what we did wrong. Nothing, we did nothing wrong.
In life itself, I just do not understand sometimes but there is a reason and a season for everything so again, just smile. Even if we have to grit our teeth while doing it. Because life is what it is and we just have to make the best of what we have and strive to keep getting better. We can control some things in life and some we cannot. But we can accept it and realize that being upset will not change it. Does that mean I never get upset? NO. I have a tendency to over think and to make huge volcanic moutains out of a tiny anthill. BUT, I am trying to change that. Stress less, smile more and sometimes, Grit your teeth while doing it. lol.
I cannot seem to find it and it is so annoying.
It has been a hectic week between being sick, working and trying to get projects done but I still was able to make progress. I had some stressful moments and one big one but got through it! I fight this battle with anxiety, depression and panic but at least I am fighting it and trying not to let it win.
I wish I could say there was a cure all but there, so far, is not. At least not for me. But I still keep at it, trying to ensure I have more good days that bad. I do not know why but the stress seems to build sometimes even on a good day. But, I take it as it comes. One battle at a time. I would love to be able to say that I am cured and hey, fantastic but I am better than I was three years ago or even two, so that is a start!