Yep. I am back and forth. Should I laugh or scream? Should I walk a hundred miles without stopping or just sit in a chair and play a game on my phone? There are some days it seems like my nerves are screaming just under my skin and others that are like I am in a yoga state of mind.
I am happy and yet I feel alone. I am blessed but I feel like I have no one nearby to talk to who understands. I am fulfilled and yet I feel like everything is about to collapse underneath me.
I am on edge and yet I know it is inside my head. I am jumpy and tart and then I want someone to comfort me but I cannot feel it when they give it. I cannot seem to quiet this ongoing battle in my brain long enough to make it believe that I am or should be okay.
Then I have more days where I am yoga happy and content. Painting, or writing or just watching a stupid show. Or I may be fixing something in or on the house. I have no friends. I do not crave them often but sometimes it would be nice. But I don’t have friends because of who I am.
I am blunt but I love. I am strict but I give a lot of affection to back it up. I am loyal but I hate to be trampled on or lied to. Just say what you feel and be done with it. I probably won’t like it but that’s okay. I will admit it when I am wrong.
I am me. I am screaming inside, I look normal on the outside and I am sad that I am happy but this feeling won’t let me get past it sometimes. Then I feel guilty because I am unable to fight through the panic zone. After that I am happy to have conquered it once again.
There is hope. There is love. there is victory. Just Breathe. Pray. Relax and appreciate what I have.