I thought of you as I walked on the beach,
Listening to the sounds of a wild ocean,
As waves rolled onto the sand, I waited for you to walk up
But I knew it was a dream and you were not here.
I went to the place where we put you to rest
But for me, it was empty and useless.
If I thought you would answer or I thought you might be here in spirit.
Maybe then I would come more often but you aren’t her and you won’t be.
I look at your photos and I wish I could go back and change so many things but I know better……
I cannot change all of my mistakes but I can use them to change what I should done differently before so long ago.
I won’t apologize for being honest.
For standing up for what I believe in or defending those I love.
I won’t apologize……
For being me.
Yep. I am back and forth. Should I laugh or scream? Should I walk a hundred miles without stopping or just sit in a chair and play a game on my phone? There are some days it seems like my nerves are screaming just under my skin and others that are like I am in a yoga state of mind.
I am happy and yet I feel alone. I am blessed but I feel like I have no one nearby to talk to who understands. I am fulfilled and yet I feel like everything is about to collapse underneath me.
I am on edge and yet I know it is inside my head. I am jumpy and tart and then I want someone to comfort me but I cannot feel it when they give it. I cannot seem to quiet this ongoing battle in my brain long enough to make it believe that I am or should be okay.
Then I have more days where I am yoga happy and content. Painting, or writing or just watching a stupid show. Or I may be fixing something in or on the house. I have no friends. I do not crave them often but sometimes it would be nice. But I don’t have friends because of who I am.
I am blunt but I love. I am strict but I give a lot of affection to back it up. I am loyal but I hate to be trampled on or lied to. Just say what you feel and be done with it. I probably won’t like it but that’s okay. I will admit it when I am wrong.
I am me. I am screaming inside, I look normal on the outside and I am sad that I am happy but this feeling won’t let me get past it sometimes. Then I feel guilty because I am unable to fight through the panic zone. After that I am happy to have conquered it once again.
There is hope. There is love. there is victory. Just Breathe. Pray. Relax and appreciate what I have.
As I travel this road of anxiety and try to learn new things each day on how to get it out of my system, my sister said something the other day when I was having a “moment”. She said, “Go back to the old you and keep thinking of the old you”. The “old” me, before all of this was a strong, independent, capable woman who faced the hurdles of life and jumped them. She didn’t come to them and go hide in the rabbit hole.
So, I did and it worked off and on. Then I got to thinking about the times I thought I was going insane, felt unloved and alone. Even though this was in my mind and partially true when people run because they do not know how to help or like an infection, they “fear” they will “catch” it, it reminded me of a poem I wrote on kindle and I want to share it with you from “The Book of Understanding”. It expresses how I felt during those worst of times.
LOVE & INSANITY
Such a fine line between the two. What defines the difference?
Insanity is an escape from reality, a journey others fear to tread.
So is Love.
Love is harsh, yet it comforts, gives hope even when it causes delusions.
So does Insanity.
Insanity keeps you from accepting certain truths and drives you to the brink.
So does Love.
Love demands. It gives, it takes and it waits for redemption.
So does Insanity.
Most never cross the line that divides the two. For the ones who do, they may never know the difference. L.S. Rockel
Well, here we are again. I have had a pretty good week so far. Of course, I try to be positive, do exercise and practice breathing as well as learning how to let go of negative thoughts. That is a hard one but I am getting better at it. I just am learning to try and say, “Here God, your problem, not mine because you have to fix it, I can’t.”
I am trying to not freak out when I have a moment or when I am overcome with 50 million things and issues going through my brain. It is like a super computer that seems to transmit every thing it can to place worry into my mind.
But I am also learning how to override that by thinking of something positive and challenging myself to let it go. We can control some things and those we cannot, well, stressing still will NOT change it. So we might as well deal with it and go on about our business or let it go and just go about our business. hahahahahaa.
That is the way I have to deal with it. There are days I feel like I am falling apart and other days when I do so good that it is a very happy day. But I am feeling good knowing that in most cases I now am learning to control it instead of it controlling me. So that was my thought and feeling process for today. I hope yours was good and filled with hope. 🙂
I live in this world and for the most part, I hate it. That part of the world I deal with. On the other hand, it is teaching me things I never even knew. How to calm my self, how to not overthink everything. It is teaching me how to resolve problems and how to get throw a panic attack even though it is by no means easy.
It is also helping me to understand others who have it and how we take this journey together. It is a strange, cold world, the world of panic and anxiety and yet it is an eye opener. You learn that those who truly care may fail at times but they will keep coming back to try and help you figure it out. the reality may be that they are scared they may fall prey to the world of it themselves if they get too close or try to hard to help.
Regardless, we have others going through that we can lean on, that do understand, that know the challenges we face and we can share the many ways we work to resolve these issues. So, Good day to my fellow agents and we continue our fight to get back to “normal”.
We live in a world of an “entitled generation”. From kids, to teens to young adults, they seem to feel they are “entitled ” to be given what they want, when they want and speak to whomever they wish in any manner, regardless of who you are. And it is our fault for allowing it. We didn’t have to “beat” these kids into submission or any of the other methods of military discipline BUT we should have shown consequences. Some of us did but we still made up for it with presents, money etc.
I am really surprised to see kids and teens who cuss their parents, demand and throw fits until they get what they want, parents who cave in just to get away from the abuse. YES it is abuse. And if we don’t start to control it soon, this is the future adults who will have no empathy, no respect and just a zone where it is all about them.
No, it is not. It is time to stop blaming your parents and everyone else for what you do wrong. Take responsibility for your actions and learn what morals, loyalty, family and self respect mean. If not, we are in trouble. Because of the kids of today will lead our Country tomorrow.
My brother in law posted an article yesterday about Christians and cursing and so on. It detailed how we often judge when our sins are just the same and it gave light to many things. But where it struck home with me was in how I act and am. My husband is a contractor but he is also a Pastor.
Now, being I am human of course, I am not the typical Pastor’s wife. I can be quick tempered, I am found guilty of holding a grudge and not realizing it, I can hurt back when I am hurt and so many other things I do that are NOT what the Bible say’s to do to show how we should live.
There are probably MORE non- Christians doing good in this day and time than there are Christians. I am not trying to convert anyone because that is not my decision for anyone to make but I am writing this because I realize after reading that article that I am so at fault in so many areas.
I am by nature, kind, forgiving, and always desiring to help others if I can. I love, I have a compassion for animals and abused children but if I were not a person that believed in God, I would be much worse than I am. So, point being, fellow believers, the next time we look down on someone, judge someone, hate on someone or find we are holding back forgiveness when they hurt us, maybe it is time WE asked for forgiveness and learn to practice what we so quickly preach.
So, fellow peeps. it has been kind of good the last few days. I hope I am on a roll here. I had a few moments today but got through it. I want to THANK all of you who follow and understand this crazy thing we go through and that includes those who do not have it. You know, even though I have most of my friends on here I love to blog about life and the reality of what people go through.
I am so glad to have this and to be able to express myself without shame or guilt. I love that I have people who have been there, done that, or are doing it now. I am just happy to be able to share these thoughts and feelings and have people who care and understand. Well, that is my short blog for the moment.