Anxiety & Panic: What you don’t understand

I did NOT choose this. I do not understand it. I have tried everything so far that I can to try and stop it. I never even had it until a little over a year ago. It is NOT a sympathy attempt to get people to feel sorry for you. I have NO desire for people to feel sorry for me. I was always strong before this. I have no answers as to why I have it but I do know this. And I am going to share it for those who do not understand.

Maybe it came when I got sick. Maybe not, I had been much sicker before. Maybe it came when I felt I had lost control. I had always been very specific about how I did things. Maybe it came when I lost my oldest daughter but it took a few years to set in. Ever lost a child? If not, you cannot understand what it does to your soul. Of course I appreciate and am grateful for my life, my child, my grandchildren, son in law and etc.  Maybe it. Just. Came. For whatever reason, if you think it is hard to understand, try living it.

I know God has a reason but that sadly, does not help at times when I have done everything I can think of to fight it. Do you know how hard it is to have a thing locked in your brain and there are good days and bad days. I have fallen on my knees in prayer, changed what I watch, read every book I could get my hands on, tried supplements, therapy, emotional therapy and so many other things.

Before you judge my change in personality, or my break downs or my moments of acting like I am just flat out crazy, try understanding an illness no one but me can see. Or feel. Try being there when I need you most or at least showing SOME kind of support. Try praying with me, not for me. Maybe stop by and see me. I didn’t ask for this. But I live it. I thank God for every day and I am so grateful for that. Regardless, the fear and anxiety sometimes take over and I find my self at square one. Understand before you judge. Love before you ridicule and accept there is a problem and try to help solve it instead of saying or thinking, “Get over it”. I would love to get over it. I would love to feel normal again. I would love to not have this fear. But for now, it is here. Sometimes it is fixable, sometimes it rocks me to the core. Either way, unless you have been there, you do not understand and if you had been there, you would be here in some form or fashion, whether through calls, text, visits, holding hands or showing love.

This is a journey no one would EVER ask for, I can assure you of that.

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Author: artista10

I am an artist, photographer, wife, mom and Nonna. you can email me at bluediamond1918@gmail.com.

4 thoughts on “Anxiety & Panic: What you don’t understand”

  1. When someone does call or text or message, and you aren’t feeling up to having the call, text, or message, maybe just know that even though you can’t write back or call back, they are still there for you to the best of their ability. I’ve never had what you have and I am sorry I can’t relate exactly to what you are feeling. I do know that I can sort of understand. When I suffered from depression, sometimes it would play with my head, make me think I was totally alone in the world. I wasn’t alone in the world but it felt like it to me at the time. I wasn’t as able as you are to ask for help. I lived far away from family and tried to pretend things were fine, until I ended up in a psych hospital (twice). I’ve always been open about that because I don’t like the stigma our society places on mental illnesses. Sometimes the fear, depression, and inner pain can keep you from seeing just how loved you actually are, and that people all show their love and support in different ways. For you, it helps to have human contact and a lot of it and a lot of the time, maybe even every day. When you have visitors you prefer if they can stay for several hours at a time. For me, it was just the opposite. I wanted support but I wanted it from a safe distance. I wanted texts or emails instead of phone calls or visits. If someone did visit me, which was extremely rare and fairly non-existent with any of my family (because I lived far away), anyway, if someone did visit me, I preferred they stay for less than an hour. I just wasn’t comfortable with that, and I still am not. I seem to thrive on privacy and you seem to need more of the contact. So maybe that is our problem: we have such different “love languages”. The way I show love and the way you show love are different. And the things I need and the things you need to feel loved are different. I will be as direct and honest as you are in this blog post: I love you. I will not be showing that love the way you want or need me to all the time, though I will do my best to be better at visiting you in person. I will show you love to the best of my ability by texting, calling, messaging and maybe I should start writing letters snail mail too. That is something that makes me feel loved so maybe it will make you feel loved by me? I don’t expect you to visit me, btw. I don’t really like visits, lol, but I will try to make more of an effort to do that for you, since that DOES make you feel loved. I think this post just made me realize that this is probably our biggest problem: all this time, you have not felt loved because I wasn’t speaking YOUR love language, which apparently is human contact. I haven’t felt loved by you because you don’t speak my love language, which is words rather than the human contact. Maybe we can figure out how to mesh our love languages.

    1. Please do not reply to these in this manner. NO, I do NOT require human contact daily nor do I require a LOT od it. I have had two visits in a year from one sister, none from the rest of the family except the younger sister whom I have started having contact with in the last few months and from you 3 times since you left the parsonage and one of those when my husband called and told you to come. So, I do not think that qualifies for CONSTANT human contact.

      1. um that post was obviosuly from months ago and you lived in other states as to why I didn’yt visit. I di go to flagler beach and pine mountain valley when you lived there but this was when 8 months ago? I don’t even remember this post/

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