I did NOT choose this. I do not understand it. I have tried everything so far that I can to try and stop it. I never even had it until a little over a year ago. It is NOT a sympathy attempt to get people to feel sorry for you. I have NO desire for people to feel sorry for me. I was always strong before this. I have no answers as to why I have it but I do know this. And I am going to share it for those who do not understand.
Maybe it came when I got sick. Maybe not, I had been much sicker before. Maybe it came when I felt I had lost control. I had always been very specific about how I did things. Maybe it came when I lost my oldest daughter but it took a few years to set in. Ever lost a child? If not, you cannot understand what it does to your soul. Of course I appreciate and am grateful for my life, my child, my grandchildren, son in law and etc. Maybe it. Just. Came. For whatever reason, if you think it is hard to understand, try living it.
I know God has a reason but that sadly, does not help at times when I have done everything I can think of to fight it. Do you know how hard it is to have a thing locked in your brain and there are good days and bad days. I have fallen on my knees in prayer, changed what I watch, read every book I could get my hands on, tried supplements, therapy, emotional therapy and so many other things.
Before you judge my change in personality, or my break downs or my moments of acting like I am just flat out crazy, try understanding an illness no one but me can see. Or feel. Try being there when I need you most or at least showing SOME kind of support. Try praying with me, not for me. Maybe stop by and see me. I didn’t ask for this. But I live it. I thank God for every day and I am so grateful for that. Regardless, the fear and anxiety sometimes take over and I find my self at square one. Understand before you judge. Love before you ridicule and accept there is a problem and try to help solve it instead of saying or thinking, “Get over it”. I would love to get over it. I would love to feel normal again. I would love to not have this fear. But for now, it is here. Sometimes it is fixable, sometimes it rocks me to the core. Either way, unless you have been there, you do not understand and if you had been there, you would be here in some form or fashion, whether through calls, text, visits, holding hands or showing love.
This is a journey no one would EVER ask for, I can assure you of that.