As we all know on here, I have found myself in the middle of extreme anxiety and panic that I never dealt with before in the last year or so. If you feel like people have jumped ship on you for needing support, you are NOT alone. After years of being there for family, because I had a strong personality, I was never in need of much help. Boy that changed with this. After many heated issues over my panic, ( I felt scared and alone so I asked for maybe some calls or text or a visit once every two weeks, maybe once a month and that was allegedly one sided they said. So I made several trips to try and work things out.
When I found myself driving home alone one night recently in this terrible weather, I was offered someone to ride back with me as I had stated several times I was having some issues seeing in night. Long story short, it went haywire. I was then informed by one of my nieces, that I was “selfish”, bringing down the family and although I HAD always been there for them, I was not supposed to expect anything or any rewards in return. Well, I have NEVER asked for ANYTHING back and this wasn’t anything other than some support and maybe a visit or two.
I was informed that I was asking for her mother’s whole world although there were no complaints when they needed me. It was all smiles and tulips and roses. Then of course, they threw the Bible at me. Yes, I know the Bible and it does say to do and expect nothing in return. BUT if they REALLY know their bible, it also say’s to be there for your brother or sister, to help those who need you and to be a light for God. Guess they missed all of that.
SO, if you feel abandoned because you have this issue, please do not. It is NOT you, it is the fact that others just do not care unless they need something from you and then you have those who love you and will be there. As I was accused of “Play” and “drama”, if you are also, I can assure you, we know, it has nothing to do with “play” or “drama”.
However, on the up side, it changed my heart and God put a shield over it because I realized all this time I had craved the love of these people, I was wasting my time. It was only good when I was there for them. When I needed them, I was “dragging the family down”. So thankfully, since that post a few days ago, so far so good. I have learned and I am learning that it is okay to lean on God, it is okay to have issues people cannot see and it is okay to need people even if they treat you bad. Just wipe the dust off your feet, shield your heart and go on. The BIGGEST lesson I learned was who does NOT care and that was awesome for me. Now I can go and focus on life with people who do. Some of the other family who maybe cannot get here but they stand by me. Friends who saw the post and took up for me.
And when she told me how “selfish” I was , It hurt BUT I learned so many wonderful lessons and the next day was on the phone with my “blood” sister (as in blood brothers and we talked, she stood by me and I realized that some people only care when it suits them. That is helping me to get through and lot’s of prayer of course.
So, just to tell my fellow survivors of this, that we may struggle, get left by family and friends, told we are horrible but Lord Willing, we will get through. Do NOT let people tell you what I was told and believe it. IT IS NOT TRUE! We are just trying to fight this and be normal again. So, just know, someone out there DOES understand. 🙂