As we all know on here, I have found myself in the middle of extreme anxiety and panic that I never dealt with before in the last year or so. If you feel like people have jumped ship on you for needing support, you are NOT alone. After years of being there for family, because I had a strong personality, I was never in need of  much help. Boy that changed with this. After many heated issues over my panic, ( I felt scared and alone so I asked for maybe some calls or text or a visit once every two weeks, maybe once a month and that was allegedly one sided they said. So I made several trips to try and work things out.

When I found myself driving home alone one night recently in this terrible weather, I was offered someone to ride back with me as I had stated several times I was having some issues seeing in night. Long story short, it went haywire. I was then informed by one of my nieces, that I was “selfish”, bringing down the family and although I HAD always been there for them, I was not supposed to expect anything or any rewards in return. Well, I have NEVER asked for ANYTHING back and this wasn’t anything other than some support and maybe a visit or two.

I was informed that I was  asking for her mother’s whole world although there were no complaints when they needed me. It was all smiles and tulips and roses. Then of course, they threw the Bible at me. Yes, I know the Bible and it does say to do and expect nothing in return. BUT if they REALLY know their bible, it also say’s to be there for your brother or sister, to help those who need you and to be a light for God. Guess they missed all of that.

SO, if you feel abandoned because you have this issue, please do not. It is NOT you, it is the fact that others just do not care unless they need something from you and then you have those who love you and will be there. As I was accused of “Play” and “drama”, if you are also, I can assure you, we know, it has nothing to do with “play” or “drama”.

However, on the up side, it changed my heart and God put a shield over it because I realized all this time I had craved the love of these people, I was wasting my time. It was only good when I was there for them. When I needed them, I was “dragging the family down”. So thankfully, since that post a few days ago, so far so good. I have learned and I am learning that it is okay to lean on God, it is okay to have issues people cannot see and it is okay to need people even if they treat you bad. Just wipe the dust off your feet, shield your heart and go on. The BIGGEST lesson I learned was who does NOT care and that was awesome for me. Now I can go and focus on life with people who do. Some of the other family who maybe cannot get here but they stand by me. Friends who saw the post and took up for me.

And when she told me how “selfish” I was , It hurt BUT I learned so many wonderful lessons and the next day was on the phone with my “blood” sister (as in blood brothers and we talked, she stood by me and I realized that some people only care when it suits them. That is helping me to get through and lot’s of prayer of course.

So, just to tell my fellow survivors of this, that we may struggle, get left by family and friends, told we are horrible but Lord Willing, we will get through. Do NOT let people tell you what I was told and believe it. IT IS NOT TRUE! We are just trying to fight this and be normal again. So, just know, someone out there DOES understand. 🙂

Anxiety & Panic: What you don’t understand

I did NOT choose this. I do not understand it. I have tried everything so far that I can to try and stop it. I never even had it until a little over a year ago. It is NOT a sympathy attempt to get people to feel sorry for you. I have NO desire for people to feel sorry for me. I was always strong before this. I have no answers as to why I have it but I do know this. And I am going to share it for those who do not understand.

Maybe it came when I got sick. Maybe not, I had been much sicker before. Maybe it came when I felt I had lost control. I had always been very specific about how I did things. Maybe it came when I lost my oldest daughter but it took a few years to set in. Ever lost a child? If not, you cannot understand what it does to your soul. Of course I appreciate and am grateful for my life, my child, my grandchildren, son in law and etc.  Maybe it. Just. Came. For whatever reason, if you think it is hard to understand, try living it.

I know God has a reason but that sadly, does not help at times when I have done everything I can think of to fight it. Do you know how hard it is to have a thing locked in your brain and there are good days and bad days. I have fallen on my knees in prayer, changed what I watch, read every book I could get my hands on, tried supplements, therapy, emotional therapy and so many other things.

Before you judge my change in personality, or my break downs or my moments of acting like I am just flat out crazy, try understanding an illness no one but me can see. Or feel. Try being there when I need you most or at least showing SOME kind of support. Try praying with me, not for me. Maybe stop by and see me. I didn’t ask for this. But I live it. I thank God for every day and I am so grateful for that. Regardless, the fear and anxiety sometimes take over and I find my self at square one. Understand before you judge. Love before you ridicule and accept there is a problem and try to help solve it instead of saying or thinking, “Get over it”. I would love to get over it. I would love to feel normal again. I would love to not have this fear. But for now, it is here. Sometimes it is fixable, sometimes it rocks me to the core. Either way, unless you have been there, you do not understand and if you had been there, you would be here in some form or fashion, whether through calls, text, visits, holding hands or showing love.

This is a journey no one would EVER ask for, I can assure you of that.

The Magic mirror of the Soul

As in all of life, we often see in the mirror of our soul, this awesome person. Doing everything great, being great and if we falter or someone gets mad it is their fault, not ours. We do all we can to be good, teat them right and try to be kind.

The problem is, that as humans, we often cannot see past our own faults because the magical mirror tells us that is never us but them. However, the reality is, that it is usually not what we think.

One, it takes two to create a problem. If there is no one arguing back, then you are arguing with yourself. When you think you are doing great in how you treat others but think it is always them or that they cannot “see” where they are wrong, then it is possible that you may be missing a look in that magical mirror that deceives you.

The gang mentality. When you form a group, whether you meant to or not, and usually you don’t even realize it, you may already have a problem. It is easy to be in a group where you all discuss the “issues” of that one person and how screwed up they are. However, maybe your “gang” should say a real prayer to help them. Then, privately, look in that magical mirror of the soul to see who you are and do a double check.

Especially if the person you are finding is suddenly so “screwed” up, is the same person who has always been there, been kind, shown love, admitted their failures and has no problem being honest with their feelings.

Either they have gone through something or maybe taken a hit in life and it has caused them such distress that it has changed how they react. So, take a look in that magical mirror the next time you get ready to flake out on someone who may just need your hand, your love, or your prayer.

LOVE & KINDNESS: Showing an Example

There are times when we have to be an example of Christ through our actions.  That means so many things. We can do it through works, we can do it through love and we can do it by not letting our  anger cause us to sin. Sometimes that is hard.  But we have to hang in there and we have to do our best by God. People may turn against you but that is not your mission. Your mission is to follow God not people.

Because it is not always popular  be an example. Why? Because sometimes, the people we may be showing Gods love to are usually not accepted by society. Or maybe they are not pleasant, nice or whatever. That is why we are here. To show them the path of light. Then, they either follow or they don’t. You just do your part and plant the seed. God takes it from there.

Remember, Faith without works is dead. So, hang in there, stay in prayer, and do not be discouraged when others turn against you. Those following Christ will not turn against you. Those who do, need to be shown an example too.